Friday, January 17, 2014

Why I Need To Be A Mermaid.

When I was a child, I watched the movie 'The Little Mermaid', as did most of the other young impressionable girls my age who were raised on a diet of 90's hair scrunchies, Warhead sour candies, and Disney movies. The film is a classic, not to mention endless fodder for Pinterest (I estimate that there's probably one 'Mermaid'-related pin for every 25 pins you scroll past). If you haven't seen the movie, go look up the synopsis (and some Google Images) right now. No, seriously, go. I'll wait here until you get back.

To be honest, I'm not sure how wholesome and endearing the values of the movie really were (that's right young girls, to meet a man you must change everything about yourself and adhere to impossible physical standards, like BUILDING YOURSELF A PAIR OF LEGS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TO BEGIN WITH. Oh, what's that? You don't know how to build legs? That's fine. Just barter away your soul. Also, stop speaking. Men fall in love with a silent girl much more quickly). But, after watching the movie, I *can* tell you one thing my young child mind picked up on REAL fast:

I want, no, NEED to be a mermaid. 

Don't tell me you haven't thought the same thing (and agreed) about your own Mer-status. And if you're one of those people who can 'tell the difference between fantasy and reality' and haven't considered being a mermaid, then read on, and I'll tell you exactly why it would be AWESOME:

1) My thighs could touch each other, and no one would be upset about it. That's right, shackles of society. I renounce your obsessions with thigh gaps and "Eat Less' T-shirts and workout programs that cause rhabdomyolysis. I will willingly enter a land where thigh 'grafting' is not only accepted, BUT NECESSARY.


2) A free clamshell bra to match my new fins. (What else would you wear with fins, a T-shirt? Awkward.) And once I owned said free clamshell bra, hopefully I would be blessed with the type of chest that could hold up those pieces of calcium carbonate, because let's be honest, people are not picking up shells on the beach because they're known for their lift and support. 


3) I could spend all day frolicking in the sea. That would be my job. Did you hear that? FROLICKING. IN. THE. SEA. I can't think of a career today that involves that alone (or what the resume for that job would be like). 


4) I could just call up a dolphin or a manatee to go get lunch with me. And it would be awesome. Have fun waiting in line at Seaworld, land bitches. 


5) My hair would always look good, because it would constantly just be shimmering, floating, and doing other pretty things while I existed in the water. Do you know how much money I could save in shampoo and conditioner? How much time I would save when I didn't have to blow-dry anything? Some men think that all a woman wants is to meet Prince Charming. Nope: she just wants perfect hair without trying. 


6) A tail. Like I even have to explain this one. All my childhood dreams would be accomplished with a tail.


7) Not having to wear makeup. Sorry Maybelline, but you're not that good..nothing you sell will ever be THAT waterproof. And hopefully there's some sort of mermaid-clause involving perpetual beauty where I wouldn't have to deal with acne. Hmmm...probably should check the bylaws. 


8) A voice like an angel. That's kind of like a requirement of being a mermaid, you know, so I can sing to crustaceans (if I'm being cast in a Disney movie), or if I'm trying to serenade/lure sailors to their deaths (not that I'm a bitter man hater, or anything). If I got to be a mermaid, I would get to have a fantastic voice. Hellloooooo record deal, or American Idol (you know they would do a promo on me during the auditions...because I'D BE A FREAKING MERMAID).


9) I would get to make a house out of coral reefs and other sea objects. People pay good money to see that type of stuff while snorkeling and scuba-diving. And I'd get to live in it. FO' FREE. D.I.Y. THAT, PINTEREST.

10) Never having to worry about having a day where I felt like I couldn't fit into my jeans. Because the fins would always expand with me. I'd be living life in a beautiful world of a never-constraining waistband.


Do I admit that the scientist part of me wonders how mer-babies are made? Sure. But that doesn't negate the fact that I could be spending my days with swimming with whales, brushing my long hair endlessly, and/or singing on rocks. Ursula...get at me. I'm ready to sell my soul.

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