Thursday, January 16, 2014

Adult-Only Entertainment

I’m starting to hit that age where it’s ‘normal’, 'socially acceptable', and/or 'expected' of me and my peers to complete all the Life Milestones (landing good jobs, buying houses, filing taxes, getting engaged, marrying/settling down, procreating, etc.) without it being weird or considered ‘young’ to have done so. Personally, I have been existing on a diet of peppermint bark and water for the past 3 days because I am too lazy to go to the grocery store, so venturing onto Facebook (peppermint bark wrapper in hand) to find out that someone I know is buying a house or having a child sends me into a small panic attack. However, these attacks are not based in anger, resentment, jealousy, or any other negative emotion: they are instead based on a feeling of 'wait, am I also considered an adult?!'
I’m not sure when (if ever) someone ‘becomes’ an adult, at least in their own estimation. I assume it’s a gradual transition. One day you’re young and raising hell, and then the next thing you know, you’re craving a good nap and wondering why there are so many youths in the streets. I am edging towards that point where a hangover is more likely to incapacitate me for 3 days versus 3 hours, and yet, I still don’t feel prepared on ‘How To Be An Adult’. Wouldn’t a class in high school or college have been awesome? You know, a seminar that discussed things like balancing checkbooks, or how many fire alarms you should have in your house, or at what age I’m supposed to start sending out holiday cards to people?
If such a course had actually existed while we were in school, I would have asked that these topics be covered:

1) What ‘APR financing’ is. Yes, I can Google it. But let me admit that whenever I think of this term, I just imagine that it stands for ‘A Parent’s Responsibility’ Financing. As in, that term has been forever used in and associated with commercials for cars and mattresses, things that my child-self never imagined that she’d be purchasing on her own. Just saying. 

2) Mortgages. A big mythical word that I’ve heard before…I even know that sometimes there can be a second one.This concept is also Google-able, but scary nonetheless. Thankfully, I am not alone: I have asked a friend or two what they think a mortgage is, and I get the same blank stare and shrug that also exists in my own reflection. How can I eventually have one of these without knowing what it is? (Also, 401K's. Is that the only number combination I’m allowed to have? Can I have a 666K? It sounds much more bad-ass). 

3) Wainscoting. I believe that this is a term that married couples automatically learn via osmosis upon signing their marriage license. For all of you who aren't aware of the term, it's paneling that you decorate your house with. To me it sounds like the last name of a Duke in a romance novel set in the 18th century, but hey, apparently people look for it on ceilings. I’m still just imagining the dashing Lord of Wainscot picking up my dropped handkerchief. Be still, quivering heart.

4) But seriously. At what age am I supposed to send out holiday cards? Do people just want a holiday card from me alone? Am I supposed to be in a couple with someone else to do this? What about me and a bunch of cats? How about me and a large pizza? WHAT IS THE RULE HERE?

5) “The Bottom Line”: I feel like this is a stereotypical phrase used by all big business honchos, and it’s definitely a term I uttered into a fake phone as a child while pretending to own a private conglomerate of magical rainbow dolphins. But what does it mean? Where is this line? How far down is the bottom? How will we know if we reach it?

6) Online dating profiles. I don’t plan on filling one out anytime soon, but it seems to be a relatively acceptable thing now for adults to do, just as another form of meeting people. And in the modern reality of instant information access, shouldn’t I just be honest on my profile up front? Because look, in today’s day and age, I can get someone’s name, immediately fly to Facebook to stalk them, and determine if they have a penchant for cats, or if they’re one of those: “Like this photo if you believe in miracles!” people. Therefore, can’t I (shouldn’t I?) just write: “Look, I’m really into sitting on the couch in my sweatpants and eating as much food as I can possibly manage while the TV blares on for 8 straight hours. Prepare for it now. Let’s not do the big dance where on the first date I tell you that I’m really into hiking, acoustic coffee shops, and exploring new places, and you then think that I’m not going to pretend every day like it’s Sunday morning”.

7) What is the difference between a ‘throw’ and a ‘blanket’? Is one just more Pinterest-friendly? Am I more sophisticated if I know the difference? Do I get more 'adult points' if I offer you the use of my 'throw' instead of 'a blanket'?

8) Also, my, uhhh, friend wants to know at what age she’s supposed to stop watching Disney movies. It’s not for me, it’s for my friend. Cough.

All teasing aside, I know that there are an infinite amount of resources available (not to mention 'experience', duh) to help me learn about all things adult-necessary, and I will one day use those resources to become a fully competent individual. But for right now, I’m going to go look for Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, AKA Lord Wainscot. Who’s with me?! ;)

1 comment:

  1. Love this Molly! Sooo true. I agree with it all. I sure don't feel like an adult and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be by now! All those big words are foreign to me too :)