Friday, January 17, 2014

Why I Need To Be A Mermaid.

When I was a child, I watched the movie 'The Little Mermaid', as did most of the other young impressionable girls my age who were raised on a diet of 90's hair scrunchies, Warhead sour candies, and Disney movies. The film is a classic, not to mention endless fodder for Pinterest (I estimate that there's probably one 'Mermaid'-related pin for every 25 pins you scroll past). If you haven't seen the movie, go look up the synopsis (and some Google Images) right now. No, seriously, go. I'll wait here until you get back.

To be honest, I'm not sure how wholesome and endearing the values of the movie really were (that's right young girls, to meet a man you must change everything about yourself and adhere to impossible physical standards, like BUILDING YOURSELF A PAIR OF LEGS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TO BEGIN WITH. Oh, what's that? You don't know how to build legs? That's fine. Just barter away your soul. Also, stop speaking. Men fall in love with a silent girl much more quickly). But, after watching the movie, I *can* tell you one thing my young child mind picked up on REAL fast:

I want, no, NEED to be a mermaid. 

Don't tell me you haven't thought the same thing (and agreed) about your own Mer-status. And if you're one of those people who can 'tell the difference between fantasy and reality' and haven't considered being a mermaid, then read on, and I'll tell you exactly why it would be AWESOME:

1) My thighs could touch each other, and no one would be upset about it. That's right, shackles of society. I renounce your obsessions with thigh gaps and "Eat Less' T-shirts and workout programs that cause rhabdomyolysis. I will willingly enter a land where thigh 'grafting' is not only accepted, BUT NECESSARY.

2) A free clamshell bra to match my new fins. (What else would you wear with fins, a T-shirt? Awkward.) And once I owned said free clamshell bra, hopefully I would be blessed with the type of chest that could hold up those pieces of calcium carbonate, because let's be honest, people are not picking up shells on the beach because they're known for their lift and support. 

3) I could spend all day frolicking in the sea. That would be my job. Did you hear that? FROLICKING. IN. THE. SEA. I can't think of a career today that involves that alone (or what the resume for that job would be like). 

4) I could just call up a dolphin or a manatee to go get lunch with me. And it would be awesome. Have fun waiting in line at Seaworld, land bitches. 

5) My hair would always look good, because it would constantly just be shimmering, floating, and doing other pretty things while I existed in the water. Do you know how much money I could save in shampoo and conditioner? How much time I would save when I didn't have to blow-dry anything? Some men think that all a woman wants is to meet Prince Charming. Nope: she just wants perfect hair without trying. 

6) A tail. Like I even have to explain this one. All my childhood dreams would be accomplished with a tail.

7) Not having to wear makeup. Sorry Maybelline, but you're not that good..nothing you sell will ever be THAT waterproof. And hopefully there's some sort of mermaid-clause involving perpetual beauty where I wouldn't have to deal with acne. Hmmm...probably should check the bylaws. 

8) A voice like an angel. That's kind of like a requirement of being a mermaid, you know, so I can sing to crustaceans (if I'm being cast in a Disney movie), or if I'm trying to serenade/lure sailors to their deaths (not that I'm a bitter man hater, or anything). If I got to be a mermaid, I would get to have a fantastic voice. Hellloooooo record deal, or American Idol (you know they would do a promo on me during the auditions...because I'D BE A FREAKING MERMAID).

9) I would get to make a house out of coral reefs and other sea objects. People pay good money to see that type of stuff while snorkeling and scuba-diving. And I'd get to live in it. FO' FREE. D.I.Y. THAT, PINTEREST.

10) Never having to worry about having a day where I felt like I couldn't fit into my jeans. Because the fins would always expand with me. I'd be living life in a beautiful world of a never-constraining waistband.

Do I admit that the scientist part of me wonders how mer-babies are made? Sure. But that doesn't negate the fact that I could be spending my days with swimming with whales, brushing my long hair endlessly, and/or singing on rocks. Ursula...get at me. I'm ready to sell my soul.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Adult-Only Entertainment

I’m starting to hit that age where it’s ‘normal’, 'socially acceptable', and/or 'expected' of me and my peers to complete all the Life Milestones (landing good jobs, buying houses, filing taxes, getting engaged, marrying/settling down, procreating, etc.) without it being weird or considered ‘young’ to have done so. Personally, I have been existing on a diet of peppermint bark and water for the past 3 days because I am too lazy to go to the grocery store, so venturing onto Facebook (peppermint bark wrapper in hand) to find out that someone I know is buying a house or having a child sends me into a small panic attack. However, these attacks are not based in anger, resentment, jealousy, or any other negative emotion: they are instead based on a feeling of 'wait, am I also considered an adult?!'
I’m not sure when (if ever) someone ‘becomes’ an adult, at least in their own estimation. I assume it’s a gradual transition. One day you’re young and raising hell, and then the next thing you know, you’re craving a good nap and wondering why there are so many youths in the streets. I am edging towards that point where a hangover is more likely to incapacitate me for 3 days versus 3 hours, and yet, I still don’t feel prepared on ‘How To Be An Adult’. Wouldn’t a class in high school or college have been awesome? You know, a seminar that discussed things like balancing checkbooks, or how many fire alarms you should have in your house, or at what age I’m supposed to start sending out holiday cards to people?
If such a course had actually existed while we were in school, I would have asked that these topics be covered:

1) What ‘APR financing’ is. Yes, I can Google it. But let me admit that whenever I think of this term, I just imagine that it stands for ‘A Parent’s Responsibility’ Financing. As in, that term has been forever used in and associated with commercials for cars and mattresses, things that my child-self never imagined that she’d be purchasing on her own. Just saying. 

2) Mortgages. A big mythical word that I’ve heard before…I even know that sometimes there can be a second one.This concept is also Google-able, but scary nonetheless. Thankfully, I am not alone: I have asked a friend or two what they think a mortgage is, and I get the same blank stare and shrug that also exists in my own reflection. How can I eventually have one of these without knowing what it is? (Also, 401K's. Is that the only number combination I’m allowed to have? Can I have a 666K? It sounds much more bad-ass). 

3) Wainscoting. I believe that this is a term that married couples automatically learn via osmosis upon signing their marriage license. For all of you who aren't aware of the term, it's paneling that you decorate your house with. To me it sounds like the last name of a Duke in a romance novel set in the 18th century, but hey, apparently people look for it on ceilings. I’m still just imagining the dashing Lord of Wainscot picking up my dropped handkerchief. Be still, quivering heart.

4) But seriously. At what age am I supposed to send out holiday cards? Do people just want a holiday card from me alone? Am I supposed to be in a couple with someone else to do this? What about me and a bunch of cats? How about me and a large pizza? WHAT IS THE RULE HERE?

5) “The Bottom Line”: I feel like this is a stereotypical phrase used by all big business honchos, and it’s definitely a term I uttered into a fake phone as a child while pretending to own a private conglomerate of magical rainbow dolphins. But what does it mean? Where is this line? How far down is the bottom? How will we know if we reach it?

6) Online dating profiles. I don’t plan on filling one out anytime soon, but it seems to be a relatively acceptable thing now for adults to do, just as another form of meeting people. And in the modern reality of instant information access, shouldn’t I just be honest on my profile up front? Because look, in today’s day and age, I can get someone’s name, immediately fly to Facebook to stalk them, and determine if they have a penchant for cats, or if they’re one of those: “Like this photo if you believe in miracles!” people. Therefore, can’t I (shouldn’t I?) just write: “Look, I’m really into sitting on the couch in my sweatpants and eating as much food as I can possibly manage while the TV blares on for 8 straight hours. Prepare for it now. Let’s not do the big dance where on the first date I tell you that I’m really into hiking, acoustic coffee shops, and exploring new places, and you then think that I’m not going to pretend every day like it’s Sunday morning”.

7) What is the difference between a ‘throw’ and a ‘blanket’? Is one just more Pinterest-friendly? Am I more sophisticated if I know the difference? Do I get more 'adult points' if I offer you the use of my 'throw' instead of 'a blanket'?

8) Also, my, uhhh, friend wants to know at what age she’s supposed to stop watching Disney movies. It’s not for me, it’s for my friend. Cough.

All teasing aside, I know that there are an infinite amount of resources available (not to mention 'experience', duh) to help me learn about all things adult-necessary, and I will one day use those resources to become a fully competent individual. But for right now, I’m going to go look for Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome, AKA Lord Wainscot. Who’s with me?! ;)