Monday, October 14, 2013

Inanimate Object Whisperer

I can communicate with the dead.

Nope, just kidding, I definitely cannot do that. But I DO have a little bit of a gift. I don't want to be totally dramatic and say that I'm some sort of Item Whisperer....but I think I'm able to communicate with them pretty well. Hear what they're saying. Tune in to their frequencies, hear their complaints, etc.

It's okay if you don't also have this same ability (it's also okay if you think I'm crazy). Not everyone can be talented this way, but don't worry. Seriously. I'll fill you in on what your items have been saying to you, just so you don't feel left out:

Vodka: "You can dance! No seriously. Go on and try it. everyone on the dance floor will love you! YOU ARE THE LORD OF THE DANCE, NOW GO CLAIM YOUR THRONE!"
Sweatpants: "It's been a rough day. Put us on. We will make you feel better. You could probably live in us for like 3 days, and it would be okay. Come on over here, buddy. Let us give you a hug."  
Refrigerator: "I won't tell anyone about what we do at 2 a.m. Seriously, no judgment here. I've come to love our secret romantic trysts in the wee hours of the morning. OPEN ME."  
Tequila: "Call your ex. He/she wants to hear from you. He/she wants to talk about how much you miss them, and admit to how badly he/she screwed up. At 3 a.m. After 4 months of not speaking."   
Remote Control: "I will hide from you when you want to find me most. It is a law of science, and I cannot break it".
Left Sock: "I have not seen Right Sock in months. MONTHS. We went together to the Laundry and never came back together. Is he rolled up with some other sock now? Did he permanently move to the dryer? I mean, honestly, I am outraged. That cheating ass!"
Shower Curtain: "You can't sing. I've been wanting to get that off of my chest for a while now".
Microwave: "Wow, you really are lazy".
The Plastic Bag Holding All the Other Plastic Bags Stuffed Into that Spare Closet or Beneath the Sink: "WHY MUST YOU STUFF ME WITH MY OWN PROGENY? I DO NOT WANT TO EAT MY YOUNG".  
Couch: "You spent an irrational amount of time with me this weekend. Are we dating now? Is this official? Oh, and also, please clean underneath me. It's embarrassing."
The Dust Bunnies Under the Bed: "And we shall form our own nation, with all the ideals and morals necessary to govern such a land. And then we will take over this apartment. SPAWN MORE DUST BUNNIES".
Alarm Clock: "I hate how much time you and bed spend together. I just want you to hang out with me for once, instead of hitting me in the morning".  
Bed: "Alarm clock is a jealous whore, and I don't care for what it has to say about anything".


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