Monday, September 30, 2013

Are You A) Drunk or B) A Toddler?

I don't know if you've noticed this....but toddlers and drunk people are basically one in the same. Except for the fact that GENERALLY toddlers are smaller than most drunk people (and if they're not, I'd like to know what you're feeding your child), if you really take the time to notice, you'll see that spending time with your toddler is really just the same as coming home with That One Drunk Friend after a long night at the bar.

Let us count the ways:

1) Neither group really seems to care about what food they're eating: no matter what it is, they are eating it in mass quantities and with fearless abandon. There is no order or meal plan. Regular silverware rules do not apply. "Let's have french fries followed by jelly beans accented by some carrots I found on the floor. And I'm going to eat it all with my fingers" YUM, DELICIOUS. They will eat it all without discrimination to what food came before it, or where it was actually found (floor, back of the fridge, old lunchbox, random table in the bar, whatever).

2) After a certain point, neither one makes a damn lick of sense. What's that? Blue unicorns ate your pajamas, and now you can't climb Mt. Everest? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE. I don't care what's in it. Milk or alcohol, you still aren't speaking cohesively, and you are DRIVING ME NUTS.

3) There's always this sort of moment where you, Mom/Dad/Friend/Relative, know that you're going to have to dive in and stop the crazy before someone breaks a skull/leg/face. Whether it's 'Mom/Dad, look what I can do!' or 'Here buddy, hold my beer!", you know something stupid is about to happen. Prepare yourself. Have 9-1-1 on speed dial.

4) Everything is SUPER INTENSE. "This toy is broken" =HYSTERICS. "This cell phone case is now broken"=HYSTERICS. "You're having a princess-themed birthday" = EXTREME JOY. "You're getting a free drink" =EXTREME JOY.

5) Basic stability seems to be really difficult for either group. Neither type can walk. Gravity is a lot stronger for them. Their knees and joints and extremities generally stop working. They sink to the ground. They say that just need to lay down right here. Really? In this patch of grass? We're still 4 blocks from home. Walk, I beg of you.

6) Public urination is never a problem. Ever.

7) They're constantly grasping said bottle. Milk, alcohol, 'juice'....either way, they have a death grasp on it, and I dare you to try and take it away from them.

You'll never view a daycare/bar the same way again.

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