Monday, September 30, 2013

Are You A) Drunk or B) A Toddler?

I don't know if you've noticed this....but toddlers and drunk people are basically one in the same. Except for the fact that GENERALLY toddlers are smaller than most drunk people (and if they're not, I'd like to know what you're feeding your child), if you really take the time to notice, you'll see that spending time with your toddler is really just the same as coming home with That One Drunk Friend after a long night at the bar.

Let us count the ways:

1) Neither group really seems to care about what food they're eating: no matter what it is, they are eating it in mass quantities and with fearless abandon. There is no order or meal plan. Regular silverware rules do not apply. "Let's have french fries followed by jelly beans accented by some carrots I found on the floor. And I'm going to eat it all with my fingers" YUM, DELICIOUS. They will eat it all without discrimination to what food came before it, or where it was actually found (floor, back of the fridge, old lunchbox, random table in the bar, whatever).

2) After a certain point, neither one makes a damn lick of sense. What's that? Blue unicorns ate your pajamas, and now you can't climb Mt. Everest? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE. I don't care what's in it. Milk or alcohol, you still aren't speaking cohesively, and you are DRIVING ME NUTS.

3) There's always this sort of moment where you, Mom/Dad/Friend/Relative, know that you're going to have to dive in and stop the crazy before someone breaks a skull/leg/face. Whether it's 'Mom/Dad, look what I can do!' or 'Here buddy, hold my beer!", you know something stupid is about to happen. Prepare yourself. Have 9-1-1 on speed dial.

4) Everything is SUPER INTENSE. "This toy is broken" =HYSTERICS. "This cell phone case is now broken"=HYSTERICS. "You're having a princess-themed birthday" = EXTREME JOY. "You're getting a free drink" =EXTREME JOY.

5) Basic stability seems to be really difficult for either group. Neither type can walk. Gravity is a lot stronger for them. Their knees and joints and extremities generally stop working. They sink to the ground. They say that just need to lay down right here. Really? In this patch of grass? We're still 4 blocks from home. Walk, I beg of you.

6) Public urination is never a problem. Ever.

7) They're constantly grasping said bottle. Milk, alcohol, 'juice'....either way, they have a death grasp on it, and I dare you to try and take it away from them.

You'll never view a daycare/bar the same way again.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Why Birthdays Are Weird.

Let me just start off by saying that I'm always up for a good birthday celebration. I LOVE making a big deal out of people's birthdays. I want pomp, circumstance, glitter, noise, and parades, damnit. The birthday rule is this: more insanity and ridiculousness, the better.

But, if you think about it, birthday celebrations are kind of weird. Just saying.

1) You blow up balloons and decorate the party space with them. In case that doesn't seem weird to you, let me remind you: you literally surround the room in bags filled with your breath. And it's totally normal/accepted/preferred. In fact, most people pout if there *aren't* balloons. Furthermore, when you pop said breath-bags, your ingested air then goes all over everyone. What is going on.

2) People stand in a circle around a burning piece of food (the birthday cake) and chant (sing) to the birthday person. Yeah, because some sort of satanic seance is oh SO different.

3) People wear hats with chin straps (birthday hats with those little elastic straps that keep them secured to their heads). I mean, sure, probably not the weirdest thing about a birthday, but fashion wise? So not okay. Who let those be a thing? We need to talk.

4) People sometimes throw surprise parties. You essentially wait for the birthday person to come in to their homes, unsuspecting and comfortable in their own perceived security, and then ambush them with a verbal assault of "SURPRISE". It's a miracle no one has died of a heart attack yet from such a thing. And yeah, if someone did that without the excuse of a birthday, they'd probably be arrested.

5) Pinatas. You beat a dead thing in the shape of an animal until it BREAKS OPEN AND FEEDS YOU. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

So, uhh, happy birthday. I guess.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Betrayal of Trust

When I saw you sitting there, unsuspectingly, how could I have known what was to happen? How could I have known that you were going to break my heart and make me question any future iota of trust I want to give, had to give? I gave myself to you fully, and in return, received nothing but lies and heartbreak. 

You have broken me. 

I was hungry. For comfort, for love, for just a little feel-good sensation, you know? I just wanted to make myself feel better. To fill myself with something to stop the emptiness.

And then I saw you there, nearly melting in the heat. My eyes widened at the sight of you, and I knew I had to have you.

So I approached you. I took the plunge and put myself out there. I thought you could fill a void for me, fill the emptiness inside me, but oh god, would I be wrong about that.

I took you with me into my bedroom. Pulled you onto my bed. Pushed back the sheets, and then bit into you, ravenously and senselessly. God, to taste you. So sweet, so delicious.

And then I realized your betrayal. What you had done to me.

You are an oatmeal raisin cookie who looks almost identical to a chocolate chip cookie. I wanted nothing but the sweet delicacy of chocolate, and yet you fooled me with your shriveled grapes.

Oatmeal raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are one of the main reasons I have trust issues. I will never again trust a cookie so easily at face value alone.