Friday, July 12, 2013

How To Flirt Like Me. ;)

First off, let's just notice that I am giving you advice on how to flirt like me, NOT a pro. Okay? No false advertisement here. A pro is the absolute last thing I am. To be honest, it's a miracle I haven't put myself or a guy in the hospital as I clumsily try to woo him.

Yeah. Woo. I said it.

If you follow these tips, you too can join the ranks of the unbearably awkward, ungraceful, and the unattractive. ;)
1) Mouth breathe. Heavily, like you're having a panic-based asthma attack. Scare people to the point that they want to call 9-1-1, or jam an inhaler into your gaping jaws. Mouth-breathing will remind that special someone of panting, and maybe that will turn them on (a big maybe....).
2) Drool. I seem to make copious amounts of saliva every time I'm around a guy I like. I'd like to think this is an attractive quality (I mean, puppies drool and they're cute, right?), but I have a sad feeling that it is not.
3) Stumble over your words. The more incomprehensible you are, the better it will go. Nothing says 'I'm sexy' like someone who can't get a single word out, and instead just makes a bunch of high-pitched squeals and choking noises.
4) Engage in a mind-blank. Allow yourself to become completely unable to put a thought together, out of anxiety or nerves regarding over that person you've been longing for. That way, when that special someone asks how your weekend was, you can quickly respond with 'FORK' or 'BELUGA WHALE'. He/she will stare at you in confusion and then walk away. Your mind-freeze will then clear, and you'll be able to answer suavely, 'Oh it was great, thank you. How was yours?'
5) Notice awkward traits about yourself while in close contact with That Special Someone. (HAVE I ALWAYS HAD THAT MUCH ARM HAIR? GOOD GOD, I'M THE MISSING LINK BETWEEN MAN AND APE! WAS TARZAN MY FATHER?)

Now, these are just some tips, more are to follow in a later teaching session. For now, follow these rules, and I promise you'll be horrible at flirting in no time, just like me. ;D

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