Friday, July 19, 2013

How to Be a Badass.

I'm the girl who is unable to stab a straw through a juice box. I can't open things that are childproof, and I have set my house on fire on more than one occasion with a chicken breast.

But I've always wanted to be a bad-ass. You know, those people (usually movie heroes or heroines) that walk away from explosions and wear black catsuits and never have to eat or cry. Generally when they enter a room, people turn and stare and the music slows and their hair whips back and forth effortlessly.

So I've come up with some ways to become one:

1) Explode things, and then walk away from them in an awesome slow-motion fashion. Someone put this once in the Bad-ass Bible, and now it's a thing. Trust me.
2) Buy a motorcycle. Even if you can't ride it, just buy it and pose with it and make people believe that you are a hellcat. And if you can't afford a motorcycle, buy a motorcycle helmet and carry it around. The illusion is everything.
3) Wear all black. Tight black clothes are apparently the only things bad-ass people wear, so I'm going to try and emulate that.
4) Walk in slow-motion everywhere. This will give people a chance to watch how awesome your stride is and how perfectly your muscles are formed.
5) Make someone follow you around with an electrical fan so that your hair is always effortlessly flowing. EFFORTLESSLY FLOWING PEOPLE, TURN UP THE POWER.
6) Glisten. GLISTEN ALL THE TIME.
7) Carry a concealed weapon. Apparently it's super bad-ass to be able to pull a knife from your shin. And if you're like me (totally accident-prone) just carry a weapon 'holster', so you can't hurt yourself. Because let's just be honest, you will.
8) Always be ready with a one-liner to put a jerk in his place. Preferably something that's smart and indicates that you received your PhD in mechanical nuclear physics, but also have a black belt.

Honestly, to be a bad-ass just be proud of yourself, and carry yourself accordingly. But if you're still working on getting there, follow the above steps and hopefully we'll be the leads in movies some day. ;)

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