Tuesday, July 2, 2013

10 Signs You're (I'm) An Evolutionary Fail.

Yesterday, I became trapped in a bathing suit. Literally. I was trying on a strapless tight fancy-strapped studded bikini at Victoria's Secret, and when I tried to take it off, I realized that I had too much collarbone or arm fat or something, because the damn thing was rooted to my upper thorax. I ended up nearly dislocating my shoulder/neck/brain to remove the top, as the attendant kept asking (rather hesitantly) outside the door, 'umm, are you sure you're okay in there?'.

Pretty sure that's (one of the many) moments that I realized that I'm an evolutionary fail.

How do I define myself as a fail? Well, if you think about it, over the span of time (I'm talking thousands upon thousands of years) humans started out as cavemen, dragging each other into caves by each others hair and hunting leopards, and have since grown into unbelievable specimens of nature that have created iPhones and planes and prosthetic limbs. That's amazing.

And yet, I can't open an aspirin bottle.

Here are 10 signs of how I am not evolutionarily fit to be present on this earth, and all human specimens may perhaps be embarrassed to have me on their side. Anyone else recognize these?
Please tell me I'm not alone.

1) I cannot open ANYTHING childproof. I am 20-something. I should be anti-proof.
2) Crisscross bra straps. I nearly strangle myself each time.
3) I usually forget to take the sticker off the apple. And then subsequently eat it. I'm pretty sure my stomach is now wallpapered in those stickers.
4) I never, ever, EVER have my umbrella on me, generally forcing me to become sopping wet as I walk anywhere. And that's fine (I imagine no one has died from a lack of umbrella), but still--> I imagine I'm heading to my death a little sooner by constantly marinading myself in rain water.
5) Have you ever tried to pull a blanket up towards you from the end of the bed (that was tight and tucked in) and ended up punching yourself in the face? Uhhhh yeah. Me neither.
6) I trip on everything. EV-UH-RY-THING. Again, maybe not a sign of instant impending death, but I feel like not being in control of my limbs is generally unhelpful in surviving longer.
7) I have coughed a fair amount of times while drinking water, and nearly drowned. What a way to go.
8) Did I mention I managed to TRAP MYSELF IN A BATHING SUIT? I managed to get stuck in PIECES OF CLOTH.
9) I can't seem to control all my limbs, even when I walk without tripping. There's always a wayward elbow hitting the wall or a hipbone slamming against the corner of a desk. Eventually, an organ is going to get punctured, and I am going to make some sort of coroner's Guinness Book of World Records for The World's Stupidest Death.
10) A baby could definitely beat me in an arm wrestling match. Today I was working with a baby who stole a page of stickers from me, and I legit had to extend some effort into getting it back. That's just wrong.

At this point, I'm not even hoping to make it to be elderly: I just want to reach middle age. Sorry Darwin. ;)

Anyone else have genes that weren't meant to be passed on? ;)

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