Friday, July 19, 2013

How to Be a Badass.

I'm the girl who is unable to stab a straw through a juice box. I can't open things that are childproof, and I have set my house on fire on more than one occasion with a chicken breast.

But I've always wanted to be a bad-ass. You know, those people (usually movie heroes or heroines) that walk away from explosions and wear black catsuits and never have to eat or cry. Generally when they enter a room, people turn and stare and the music slows and their hair whips back and forth effortlessly.

So I've come up with some ways to become one:

1) Explode things, and then walk away from them in an awesome slow-motion fashion. Someone put this once in the Bad-ass Bible, and now it's a thing. Trust me.
2) Buy a motorcycle. Even if you can't ride it, just buy it and pose with it and make people believe that you are a hellcat. And if you can't afford a motorcycle, buy a motorcycle helmet and carry it around. The illusion is everything.
3) Wear all black. Tight black clothes are apparently the only things bad-ass people wear, so I'm going to try and emulate that.
4) Walk in slow-motion everywhere. This will give people a chance to watch how awesome your stride is and how perfectly your muscles are formed.
5) Make someone follow you around with an electrical fan so that your hair is always effortlessly flowing. EFFORTLESSLY FLOWING PEOPLE, TURN UP THE POWER.
7) Carry a concealed weapon. Apparently it's super bad-ass to be able to pull a knife from your shin. And if you're like me (totally accident-prone) just carry a weapon 'holster', so you can't hurt yourself. Because let's just be honest, you will.
8) Always be ready with a one-liner to put a jerk in his place. Preferably something that's smart and indicates that you received your PhD in mechanical nuclear physics, but also have a black belt.

Honestly, to be a bad-ass just be proud of yourself, and carry yourself accordingly. But if you're still working on getting there, follow the above steps and hopefully we'll be the leads in movies some day. ;)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

All I can handle are the pants.

Here are the things I can do in yoga: lie on a yoga mat, and put on a pair of yoga pants. Boom, that's it. Are you impressed?

I have nothing but the utmost respect for those who are yoga happy and/or yoga talented. But at this time in my life (not trained and not really trying to train), I am unable to mentally focus myself while attempting to contort my body into directions that I'm pretty sure I was just not meant to fold into. Furthermore, I can't control my breathing (again, basic panting is really all I can manage as I attempt to put my knee behind my neck), and let's just be honest: I'm about as flexible as a steel rod.

Here are the things I like about yoga:
The pants: they're elastic, comfortable, and just a nice enough step above sweatpants that I don't feel like a complete slob when I leave the house while wearing them.
The mats: they're kind of spongy, and I can lay on them. And technically not move. Which is awesome. Why can't more of yoga just be spent laying on the mats?

Here are the things I don't like about yoga:
The moving/bending/folding/contorting: I CAN'T PUT MY SHIN TO MY EYEBROWS. I JUST CAN'T.
The balancing: I don't have good enough control of my limbs to balance them all at once. It's unrealistic that you'd even ask me to.
The controlled breathing: How can you ask me to breathe in and breathe out serenely when I'm trying to introduce my toes to my nostrils?
The serenity: I'm just going to start laughing when you tell us to be quiet. Enforced silence = NEED to laugh. Plus, it's kind of hard not to laugh at that one person who is a yoga goddess (which isn't a problem), but the look of sudden death they give you when you can' stop yourself from laughing makes it all the worse.

Namaste? More like Not-My-Way. ;)

Friday, July 12, 2013

How To Flirt Like Me. ;)

First off, let's just notice that I am giving you advice on how to flirt like me, NOT a pro. Okay? No false advertisement here. A pro is the absolute last thing I am. To be honest, it's a miracle I haven't put myself or a guy in the hospital as I clumsily try to woo him.

Yeah. Woo. I said it.

If you follow these tips, you too can join the ranks of the unbearably awkward, ungraceful, and the unattractive. ;)
1) Mouth breathe. Heavily, like you're having a panic-based asthma attack. Scare people to the point that they want to call 9-1-1, or jam an inhaler into your gaping jaws. Mouth-breathing will remind that special someone of panting, and maybe that will turn them on (a big maybe....).
2) Drool. I seem to make copious amounts of saliva every time I'm around a guy I like. I'd like to think this is an attractive quality (I mean, puppies drool and they're cute, right?), but I have a sad feeling that it is not.
3) Stumble over your words. The more incomprehensible you are, the better it will go. Nothing says 'I'm sexy' like someone who can't get a single word out, and instead just makes a bunch of high-pitched squeals and choking noises.
4) Engage in a mind-blank. Allow yourself to become completely unable to put a thought together, out of anxiety or nerves regarding over that person you've been longing for. That way, when that special someone asks how your weekend was, you can quickly respond with 'FORK' or 'BELUGA WHALE'. He/she will stare at you in confusion and then walk away. Your mind-freeze will then clear, and you'll be able to answer suavely, 'Oh it was great, thank you. How was yours?'
5) Notice awkward traits about yourself while in close contact with That Special Someone. (HAVE I ALWAYS HAD THAT MUCH ARM HAIR? GOOD GOD, I'M THE MISSING LINK BETWEEN MAN AND APE! WAS TARZAN MY FATHER?)

Now, these are just some tips, more are to follow in a later teaching session. For now, follow these rules, and I promise you'll be horrible at flirting in no time, just like me. ;D

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Instant Abs --> Instant Sexy.

I was licking the bottom of a Milanos cookie package when I remembered just how important it is to have great abs over the summer: I mean, these are the muscles that are predominantly displayed in the warm weather through bathing suits and crop tops. Guys and girls are forced to tone up, slim down, and prepare themselves for constant display. I suppose we can all benefit from some seriously gorgeous ab action....but who has time for doing thousands of crunches? Not me!!

I have come up with some tips that will help you get those instant abs that will look oh-so-gorgeous in these steamy summer months, but without all the work (because really, who has time for Insanity or P90X when there are all those cookouts to attend?):

1) Take an eyeliner pencil. Draw on a 6 Pack.
2) Find a grill, and lay across it (not while it's lit!). The imprint of the grill bars will basically give you a 12-pack, which will impress EVERYONE.
3) Self-tanner: draw as many abs as you want. I tend to recommend an even number, but don't let me stop you from your creative artistic expression.
4) Chainlink fence: press yourself into it. That diamond imprint into your skin will give an interesting ab imprint that tells people you workout beyond the normal amount.
5) Buy skin colored pantyhose/Spanx/control top girdles. Draw on a 6-pack of abs to that.
6) Buy a superhero costume that already has abs built into it. Tape it to your abdomen. Enjoy compliments, and continue to pose and flex.

You're welcome for such amazing tips. Now go enjoy a cookie. ;)

Saturday, July 6, 2013

What Does Your Phone Autocorrect Say About You?

I'm dating my iPhone (not that way, get your mind out of the gutter). Our relationship is definitely emotion-only. And if you think about it, you probably have the same deep relationship with your phone: you keep it by you all day, you wonder what it has to say, and you go into a full-fledged panic when you don't know where it is. It's the first thing you reach for when you wake up, the last thing you look at before you go to sleep, and you make sure you go eveywhere with it. I'm sorry, is that not the definition of marriage? I'm changing my Facebook relationship as we speak.

But I've realized this (as my phone and I enjoy a lovely candlelit dinner together): our smartphones are stalking us. Well, maybe not really stalking us, but they're started to pick up on what we're typing most often. And to be honest, when your (my) phone starts suggesting certain terms and words to you (me) because it thinks that's what you (I) want to type AGAIN (you start typing 'hello', your phone always suggests 'horseradish'), you (I) have to take a step back and evaluate what's going on in your (my) life.

Here are some of my own personal phone texting suggestions. Oh boy.

1) 'Olive Garden' (as in, the Italian restaurant chain)-I don't know why this happens, as I only have about 4 memories of typing about Olive Garden in the past 2 years of owning my iPhone. But apparently my phone knows that I always, always, ALWAYS want that breadstick-y goodness, because every time I start typing a word with an 'O', that's what it suggests.

2) 'Gryffindor/Hogwarts'- I'm a Harry Potter nerd. My phone now knows this and is now okay with popping it into everyday conversation (and spelling it correctly, of course).

3) 'AWESOME'. I think I've been enthusiastic one too many times on my phone, because now it will not allow me to write 'awesome' in a basic non-screaming text tone. Now everything is 'that's AWESOME news, I can't wait to see you!' or 'that's AWESOMEly bad!'. I AM YELLING ABOUT HOW AWESOME EVERYTHING IS. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Thank you phone. Thank you.

4) My phone often suggests 'Toddlers and Tiaras' to me. I honestly have no idea why that would even happen. NOT OKAY PHONE, NOT OKAY.

5) 'Redonkulous.'-A take on the word 'ridiculous'. My phone has acknowledged that I *used* to say this in the past decade enough to the point that it now suggests it every time I use a word starting with 'R'. I probably should go get my braces and my awesome hair center part back on as well.

6) 'Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow"- I once sent this text to a friend about 50 times in a row to annoy her. My phone has never forgotten such an action, and now routinely corrects my "M" words to such a melodious phrase.

7) 'Duckling'-Why would you often suggest this. Why on Earth would I often talk about ducklings. GO HOME PHONE, YOU'RE DRUNK.

8) 'Coupledom' -Apparently saying 'relationship' is not something I do. I type 'coupledom', and my phone knows this enough to suggest it without me asking it to.

9) 'PERFEXT': Disclaimer: this is not a word. This is a misspelling I once did when trying to type 'perfect' in all capital letters. No matter how many times I reset my phone, my phone still suggests this as the 'more preferred' spelling to 'perfect'. Sorry in advance to all who receive that.

10) 'Schmutz'. This is actually a Yiddish word that essentially means 'dirt'. Often used by Jewish mothers to be like 'you have schmutz on your face/shirt/hair'. I'm actually not even mad about this one.

What are some of yours? ;)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

10 Signs You're (I'm) An Evolutionary Fail.

Yesterday, I became trapped in a bathing suit. Literally. I was trying on a strapless tight fancy-strapped studded bikini at Victoria's Secret, and when I tried to take it off, I realized that I had too much collarbone or arm fat or something, because the damn thing was rooted to my upper thorax. I ended up nearly dislocating my shoulder/neck/brain to remove the top, as the attendant kept asking (rather hesitantly) outside the door, 'umm, are you sure you're okay in there?'.

Pretty sure that's (one of the many) moments that I realized that I'm an evolutionary fail.

How do I define myself as a fail? Well, if you think about it, over the span of time (I'm talking thousands upon thousands of years) humans started out as cavemen, dragging each other into caves by each others hair and hunting leopards, and have since grown into unbelievable specimens of nature that have created iPhones and planes and prosthetic limbs. That's amazing.

And yet, I can't open an aspirin bottle.

Here are 10 signs of how I am not evolutionarily fit to be present on this earth, and all human specimens may perhaps be embarrassed to have me on their side. Anyone else recognize these?
Please tell me I'm not alone.

1) I cannot open ANYTHING childproof. I am 20-something. I should be anti-proof.
2) Crisscross bra straps. I nearly strangle myself each time.
3) I usually forget to take the sticker off the apple. And then subsequently eat it. I'm pretty sure my stomach is now wallpapered in those stickers.
4) I never, ever, EVER have my umbrella on me, generally forcing me to become sopping wet as I walk anywhere. And that's fine (I imagine no one has died from a lack of umbrella), but still--> I imagine I'm heading to my death a little sooner by constantly marinading myself in rain water.
5) Have you ever tried to pull a blanket up towards you from the end of the bed (that was tight and tucked in) and ended up punching yourself in the face? Uhhhh yeah. Me neither.
6) I trip on everything. EV-UH-RY-THING. Again, maybe not a sign of instant impending death, but I feel like not being in control of my limbs is generally unhelpful in surviving longer.
7) I have coughed a fair amount of times while drinking water, and nearly drowned. What a way to go.
8) Did I mention I managed to TRAP MYSELF IN A BATHING SUIT? I managed to get stuck in PIECES OF CLOTH.
9) I can't seem to control all my limbs, even when I walk without tripping. There's always a wayward elbow hitting the wall or a hipbone slamming against the corner of a desk. Eventually, an organ is going to get punctured, and I am going to make some sort of coroner's Guinness Book of World Records for The World's Stupidest Death.
10) A baby could definitely beat me in an arm wrestling match. Today I was working with a baby who stole a page of stickers from me, and I legit had to extend some effort into getting it back. That's just wrong.

At this point, I'm not even hoping to make it to be elderly: I just want to reach middle age. Sorry Darwin. ;)

Anyone else have genes that weren't meant to be passed on? ;)