Friday, June 28, 2013

If My Life Were a Romantic Comedy

If my life were a romantic comedy, I would always be adorably frazzled, constantly running into cute boys who I didn't realize were in love with me, and I would never, ever, EVER have to use the bathroom. My walks in the rain would be romantic and dramatic (versus the I-forgot-my-umbrella-and-I'm-wearing-white-pants-mistakes they usually are). Friday nights would be evenings spent glamorously dancing on bars with friends, with the night eventually including a scene of witty repartee exchange with a gorgeous stranger as the music dulled around us. Saturdays would be spent looking casually gorgeous as I ran or walked my dog, and Sundays would of course be spent judging and secretly being jealous over my married friends and their monogrammed towels. Overall, I would always be trying to find myself and my love in a Big City somewhere, always just coming off of a relationship and swearing 'I'm done with men'.

Yup, it would be the plot of all rom-coms ever.

I am a 20-something year old girl. I was raised on romantic comedies: the media knew how to get me into their movie theaters, and STAT. What's that? You want me to watch yet another movie about a girl who ends up with the adorably gorgeous self-deprecating guy as sappy music plays and they dance in the rainstorm and realize over a coffee as their eyes meet that they were meant for one another? SIGN ME UP!

I think deep down (either secretly or not so secretly) I wanted that to be me. To end up with my best guy friend that grew up into a GQ model despite our many years of torturing each other while growing up down the street from one another. Obviously in this scenario said best guy friend would have been pining away for me since we were 6, but it would only be through a move to another city that we realized that we were meant for one another. Our reunion would have to be nothing less than perfect and dramatic, with fireworks and an orchestra and puppies and 7 personalized constellations. Obviously realistic, huh. And yet instead of this, I'm just awkwardly bumbling around, sweating, and hoping I can trick a man into dealing with me forever. ;)

Regardless of how my love life actually turns out, I think it's important for me to tell 14-year-old me why constantly being in a romantic comedy would be bad. So here's a list (and trust me ladies, this doesn't just apply to me. You may have to talk the preteen version of yourself off of a ledge with this stuff):

1) I would always have to be running/reuniting/crying/walking/dancing in the rain. That would not be good for my hair, and let's just be honest: I wouldn't look good with eyeliner dripping down my cheeks 24/7. I hardly look good now with the constant humidity I'm exposed to: I've reached the height and volume of a lion who's been licking an electrical socket.
2) I would have to be constantly frazzled, but adorably so, because that would add to my everyday-girl charm. Ummm, yeah, I'm constantly frazzled and it's not cute and I can't imagine expending the extra effort to try and be adorable at the same time.
3) Girls in rom-com's never get to use the bathroom. Enough said.
4) I would have to keep looking everyone in the eye, because that's apparently the moment that people fall in love/realize their feelings for one another. Doing that would be both creepy and exhausting.
5) My apartment would have to be constantly clean in case my gentleman caller came over in the middle of the night to confess his love to me. I'm sorry, that's just not going to happen.
6) They never show girls in rom-com's binge-eating. Considering my love of polishing off a pound of pasta in one sitting, that just isn't going to work.
7) I would have to have a hopeless-believer-in-romance best friend, and a sassy-no-man-is-worth-it best friend. Well actually, I already kind of have those. One point for the rom-com. 
8) Someone would always have to be following me playing a Sara Bareilles/Jack Johnson/lighthearted acoustic song or orchestral overlay. These songs would have to have melodic overtones that correlated with my feelings and the day's events. For example, more than 5 lighthearted piano plinks would correlate with happy feelings.
9) I would have to look cute to go to the grocery store. Apparently that's the new place for hot people to hang out and meet one another.
10) I would eventually have to get in a fight with a boy about the fact that he made a bet on our relationship/didn't realize this obscure thing about me that I didn't tell him before, and he would have to say back that 'I just run from things when they're difficult, just like I always do'.
11) The aforementioned fight would end when I notice some small detail that reminds me of him, like a spilled coffee (like from that time he spilled coffee!) or a certain sunset (like from that time we watched a sunset!) or a band T-shirt (like that one time we saw that band together!).
12) I would have to sleep like a model in a mattress commercial. Not happening.

Sorry, 14-year-old me (yes you. The one in the braces with the center part and the Sharpie pen as a form of eyeliner). Channing Tatum is not going to come find you.