As you get older, you are safe in a bubble of "Growing Up", a transition phase where you are expected to learn, but are not expected to know everything. Then, in college, you are told that you are actually on a launching pad into Adulthood, which is the capital of the Real World. You need to be ready, because it's on you to grow up and know things and take responsibility. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but as I actually transitioned into the Real World, I found that it was not actually a terrifying place full of corporate mergers and tax returns, but instead a place where I still watched TV and did work, just without as many weekend plans. In fact, because I worked in an ER, my job WAS the weekend plan. But anyway.
The kid versions of us were right. Being an Adult is pretty cool. I love driving a car, planning vacations, and online shopping. However, I dislike waking up early on the weekends to get work done, vacuuming, and grocery shopping. Regardless, as a kid I assumed that I would just know everything when I was older. However, as I now transition into this permanent and specific cut-and-dry stage of Adulthood (versus the transitional 'Young Adult', 'Pre-Teen', 'Child' stages, etc.), I realize that I still have a lot of unanswered questions. Please, someone help me out:
1) How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet? I'm a firm believer in nothing being impossible, but I'm pretty sure that it's easier to staple water to a tree branch than it is to fold a fitted sheet. If one must attempt to fold a fitted sheet, might I recommend some helpful tools, such as a blowtorch and a can of kerosene?
2) How much pizza for breakfast takes you past the college-acceptable level into oh-hey-rock-bottom? This question is pretty self-explanatory. I just want to know how far into my binge-eating I should maybe remind myself to feel ashamed.
3) What is business casual? No, really. There has never been a more vague stringing together of two words to describe what is acceptable for certain work functions. No one understands it. I'd prefer something more like "Dress code: you may wear these pants and this shirt combo with this color scheme and these shoes...casual".
4) This doesn't necessarily apply to being an adult, but I am curious: man Uggs. Why. Discuss.
5) What craft-happy devil children came up with Pinterest? Thanks to these deviant masterminds, I am now bound to the internet when I should be doing homework, or studying, or paying attention at work. Just one more pin, I promise myself. One more pin about couscous, or about an ab workout I'll never do. Thanks to Pinterest, I can now see my crazy wedding-happy, food-obsessed, Christmas-fanatic tendencies in front of me, painted all over the internet. Which is fine, because it's who I am, BUT I DON'T NEED PINTEREST TO SHOW THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD THAT, OKAY?!
6) How does one get the specific job in writing the 'Terms and Conditions' legal documents? And does anyone else wonder what secrets are written in these 'I agree to the Terms and Conditions' legal documents? I imagine that if someone actually look the time to read it (instead of ALWAYS LYING and saying that yes, I have read and agree), we'd find the solutions to world hunger, cancer, and maybe how to fold a fitted sheet.
7) At what age do we stop defining accomplishment as "being a superhero" or "taking 10 shots straight without vomiting", and instead go to "getting a load of laundry done and getting groceries in one afternoon"?
8) Why do all major magazines only focus on food, sex, or fitness? I mean, I guess those kind of are the three most important factors/drives of human evolution, but still, I'd love to have a magazine for adults that tells me how to build my own Bouncy-house, or where I can actually find a pair of jeans that fits a body not clearly defined in the 'pear-shaped/hour-glass/petite' spectrum.
9) Speaking of magazines focusing on adult relationships: Cosmopolitan. Does anyone believe in or use their flirty methods in the adult real life? I mean, I really have a hard time believing that someone coyly takes a suggestive sip from their drink while batting their eyelashes, all to be followed with a slow saunter across the bar while maintaining eye contact. Or maybe I'm just in denial, because when I try to approach a guy in a bar, I saunter as gracefully as a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time, knock-kneed and all.
10) Is it okay that I just considered sneezing my ab workout? What? I'm sorry, I just.....okay, never mind.
11) Who has the job of naming paint colors? As my friends get older (and I specify my friends, because I am not mature enough to be living in a place that allows me to make executive choices such as what color the walls should be slash being in charge of my own pilot light), they are starting to "Settle Down". They are nesting. They are picking out furniture and insurance plans and saying things like "Do you think this wall would look better in a shade of lavender or aubergine?", and "I was looking in the Pottery Barn catalog, when I saw...". I am not making fun of these friends: I'm actually impressed with their ability to know and speak this other language of Adulthood. But I do draw the line once I start reading paint swatch colors that make no freaking sense. Have you ever noticed that paint colors are combinations of shades of color, and then words that make no sense next to them? At some point in your life, you will go into Home Depot to pick out a color for your living room and find colors such as "Evening Beige Mist", "Champagne Tickles", "Meringue Crescendo", or "Macaroni Pirouette". And you will question your life, and how you got here. And than more importantly, how you're in a career doing whatever, and someone else is sitting in an office, PAID to be handing in paperwork that says "Lavender PitterPatter".
I just want answers. And perhaps a job naming paint colors. That's all.