Monday, October 8, 2012

Dog Days

I have 4 dogs. And 3 cats. And a younger sister. Basically, I’m running a zoo at my house. Anyone who knows me knows how much of my time is taken up by my dogs. Be it walking them, screaming at them, feeding them, or just pulling inedible and/or valuable objects out of their mouths, what feels like 90% of my free time is dedicated to making sure my dogs remain in one piece from day to day. Actually, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure parenthood is described the same way.

Either way, I love my dogs. If you have a pet, or are a huge animal lover like me, you know why animals are so special. Animal lovers are actually a special brand of people known for their freakish attachment to all things furry. If I find out you are an animal lover, I will redeem you of any bad quality I found in you before. Animal lovers just get it, because really, animals teach us everything we need to know about life. And since so much of my time is spent walking behind two sets of dogs everyday, I have come up with a list of things they've taught me:

  • Shake your ass, no matter where you’re walking.
  • Everything is probably edible. No matter what, just try eating it. With force.
  • Greet everyone you love like it’s been 6 years since you last saw them…every time you see them. Every. Time.
  • Immediately rolling over and showing your stomach to someone upon meeting them is a fast way to be called a hussy.
  • Attack everything with excitement. While yes, that stuffed animal isn’t moving right now, it could, in a second. It’s better to be on your guard now and strike first.
  • Be outside as often as you can.
  • Loyalty is a beautiful thing.
  • Chase your dreams. And squirrels.
  • Snoring is not unattractive. It’s a sign that you spent the entire day exercising, eating, probably doing something a little bit wrong, and being happy.
  • It’s always a better story when you throw up on something that really shouldn’t be thrown up on. Like an expensive rug. Or clothing.
  • Sometimes, it’s best to play dumb, and then use your powers for evil.
  • Sometimes, when people lead you around, it’s for good reason.
  • There will always be a pack mentality, and with that, people fighting to be the alpha.
  • Riding in the car is much more fun with the windows rolled down.
  • If you look cute enough, people will forgive you for your transgressions.
  • Also, try to look cute while actually doing something wrong.
  • Slamming into someone’s shins is an excellent way to disable them.
  • If someone doesn’t notice you upon greeting them, feel free to jump up and scream at them until they do. Bonus points if you push them over.
  • When you have to use the bathroom, you just do.
  • If you think you found the scent of something good, follow it until the end.
  • Nothing says good morning like kissing someone. With tongue. Not on their mouths.'
And finally, the most important lesson of pets, and life: there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING better than unconditional love. :)

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