Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Wide Awake

I think one of the biggest and most under-appreciated signs of intimacy between two people is being able to sleep together. And I don’t mean “sleep together” in that giggly I’m-15-years-old-and-raising-my-eyebrows-suggestively-because-I’m-not-actually-talking-about-sleeping way. I mean literally sleeping together. It takes a whole lot of bravery and fortitude for 2 people of any gender or relationship status (friends, enemies, family members, significant others, etc.) to willingly enter a bed or other sleeping arrangement together. Sleeping together is intense. You climb onto a surface with no dividing lines, lay flat within someone's personal space, and close your eyes while wearing no armor. That's pretty freaking vulnerable. And even if you know that you're safe with that person, good god almighty, people. You might start out the night in bed with the person you love, but you can wake up with a rabid wildebeest.

There are several types of sleep "personalities", if you will. Everyone has one. It’s like a person’s handwriting. Everyone knows that that’s how you sleep, and once they see it, it can’t be undone, or really changed. However, unlike people who study handwriting and say it “tells a lot about a person” (Really? The fact that I write like an arthritic octopus means that I’m optimistic and unorganized? Oh, wait. Never mind”), I refuse to believe that the way you sleep indicates what type of person you are. Otherwise…we’re gonna have problems.  

Here is my compiled list of sleep personalities. I'm sure a more intelligent and motivated human being could/would take the time to figure out their compatibilities, like an astrology chart. But anyway:

The Snow White/Angel: 99% of my friends seem to sleep this way. They slumber with their mouths closed, curved into an almost smile. Sometimes their hands are folded delicately under their faces. They don’t drool, leave their allotted bed space, or snore. Their bodies are posed in a somewhat similar fashion to those of a model in a magazine advertisement for mattresses. They delicately float to bed, and often wake in the morning to sing with the birds, play with deer, film a Folger's coffee commercial, or do whatever else morning people do before the unholy moment of the sun's rising. I wouldn’t know.

The Clinger: You wake up next to them and they are so far into your space that you’re unsure where they end and you begin and oh my god, hello nose hairs, how you doin’. After waking up next to them, you immediately start to figure out which of your appendages needs to be chewed off just to freaking escape to a safe distance. Apparently, someone taught these sleepers to get a warm body into their outstretched grasp and just HANG ON. And almost always, these types of sleepers wake up with a creepy and uncomfortably soft-spoken "hi".

The Kracken: Kracken sleepers thrash around. They drool unbelievable amounts. They breathe with an open (or should I say gaping) mouth, and their night time breathing sounds are somewhat similar to those of a sleep-apnea machine. Or a feral raccoon. They are in no way, shape, or form attractive as they slumber. They wake up in an uncomfortable splay of limbs (and in my case, crusty eyeliner), usually with a giant yawn that says "yes, please ask me about my morning breath". This is how I sleep. Future sleepover party friends and men-folk: call me maybe.

The Dead Man: Not much explanation needed here. These people enter a REM cycle and become corpse-like. They don't move, don't breathe, and don't wake up unless an elephant collapses 3 inches from them. Their display is so intense that you find yourself thinking of the explanation you're going to need when the police show up to find the dead body. Oh wait, an eyelash just fluttered. Thank God.

I have told my friends many times that they should prepare themselves for "the morning after" when they sleep next to me. The sight of me in those fresh moments after the ringing of an alarm clock is bone-chillingly terrifying. If you Wikipedia "The Wrath of God", you should see a related link with a description and picture of me half awake, no make up, drool encrusted, and full of pillowcase creases on my cheeks. I'm somewhat confident that the test of my true soul-mate is not a heroic gesture or a grand act of love, but instead the ability of that person to not run screaming from my home after we wake up together under the same blanket. But maybe that's what love is between two people. Not only do you accept them for all of their faults, but you sleep with them, in spite of their sleeping personalities. Now that's sacrifice.

1 comment:

  1. Good one! Thanks for the smile in the middle of the Excel Crushing kind of day