Thursday, July 5, 2012

Single Girls Anthem

Alllllll the single ladies, Allll the single ladies. Raise your hands up. Oh, okay, good, now I can see you. I hope you’re all doing well. I’ve gathered you here today to talk about something that is very serious: our lack of significant others. Oh, what’s that single men? You want to get in on this action too? Brilliant. Let’s all sit down in our chairs with our stale coffee cake. I’ll start: “Hi, my name is Molly. And I am a Single Girl.” *pause for tears, a dramatic gasp, perhaps an uncomfortable cough* Okay, good. Now you guys say: “Hiiiiiii Molly”.

I bring up this Singles Anonymous meeting because I was recently asked, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Of all the questions I’ve ever been asked (“Can I show you my gangrenous foot?”, “Is that your real hair?”, “Which underwear should I use to please my man?”, “Why are you so tall?”, “What do you mean, you’re still hungry?”), this is one of my least favorite and most uncomfortable queries. When this person asked me the question, it was said in a tone that indicated that perhaps I had chosen to have a disease. That perhaps I had elected to be “single” (a word whispered in hushed tones), ensuring that I would waste away on a fainting couch, smelling salts and handkerchief clutched in hand. His eyes were sad…the same sad eyes I imagine all of the animals on Noah’s Ark had when they looked at their unpaired friends on land. “Oh, there’s our friend Dodo bird. Doesn’t seem to have his mate…guess he can’t come on the cruise with us. Hopefully we’ll see him when we get back.” (OH MY GOD, I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW DINOSAURS BECAME EXTINCT). As I get older and go to more weddings/family gatherings/Important Events, the question is more often repeated. It’s a weird phenomenon: is there something I don’t know about? Is there an expiration date on single people? Is there another flood coming up where I need to get my pair-mate, or else?!

To me (and please correct me as necessary) there are some disparities between living in the land of singledom and being relationshipped off to Happily Ever After. A coupled-up girl will (usually) call her boyfriend first if her car stops working. I call AAA in a panic, trying to indicate that what happened was not my fault (“The battery died on its own, I swear). A coupled-up girl might watch a romantic comedy and feel her heart warm at the memory of that SUPER cute thing her boyfriend just did for her. I watch one of those movies and outwardly say “lol soooooo stupid”, while internally penning a diary entry: Dear Diary, I can’t wait until Prince Charming arrives. I already have my music montage and outfit sequence planned out. A single girl may moan over dinner and drinks with her friends that she just wants to be liked, and she’s tired of waiting. A girl who already found her significant other might thank her lucky stars, and offer whatever words of advice she can. There are a zillion experiences and thoughts that single girls/guys and coupled girls/guys have regarding their “relationship status”. Those thoughts make single and non-single people incredibly similar or incredibly different, depending on the time. Either way, someone (okay, I) will always think the grass is greener on the other side. I imagine relationships as being perfect entities filled with a constant live feed of unicorns, rainbows, fireworks, yawning puppies, and magic. In reality, I know that they are hard work with their own set of pros and cons, but that the benefits usually outweigh the cons. Also, being single has its perks: I don’t have to answer to anybody, I can be selfish with my time (and my food), I depend on myself and grow accordingly, nd I don’t have to have a panic attack before meeting someone’s parents.

When I was asked why I didn’t have a boyfriend, I responded with “I don’t know, ask the male population”. And then I realized that that’s the wrong answer. That implies that I’m just Rapunzel-ing my way through life, hoping someone comes riding up to my tower and asks me to lower my streaming, strong-enough-that-a-man-can-just-shimmy-on-up-there hair. (Seriously, what conditioner did she use? Pantene Pro-V? I KNEW IT). That’s not the case. Like all people out there, I’m just living my life until I meet that person. And after I meet them, I’ll continue to live my life. ;)

1 comment:

  1. Did someone really ask "Which underwear should I use to please my man"?

    I only see two reasonable answers:
    C) Granny panties
    D) None