I’ve had a lot of vacation time off of work recently, so I’ve been able to lie in my relaxation chrysalis at home. By this, I mean that I don’t move from my couch (or out of my sweatpants) for hours. Personal hygiene becomes optional, and I slowly begin to think that yes, I do need that product on that infomercial. How I haven't I realized this before?!
I have a thousand movie channels, so I generally flip between them while continuously telling myself that “yes, tomorrow I will start working out. Tomorrow will be the day”. After watching a few hundred movies, however, I have come up with several troubling questions regarding common movie themes. And I want answers.
1) Why do 27-year-old models play teenagers on the big screen? It’s not like there’s a shortage of acne-prone, gangly, malformed pre-adults out there. Please, casting directors, feel free to go to a nearby high school, slap a pound of cover-up on however many teenagers you need, and throw them in front of a camera. I mean, teenagers don’t look (or act) the way movies pretend they do. If they did, there would be no need for ProActiv. Or breast implants.
2) Why are dance battles basically a judicial system for movies? They’re like a more modern and rhythmic form of frontier justice. Did you just win a dance battle? Great! You’ve won the ten zillion dollar prize. All of your problems are solved. You will win your house back. You will get the pretty girl. Your parents will accept you, now that they’ve seen that one dance you did just five minutes ago. You will get into that prestigious dance academy. The other dance crew will fade away into an ecstatic crowd (but seriously, where do all these people come from to watch dance battles), never to bother you again...until the movie's sequel.
3) Would Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton’s relationship survive successfully without Johnny Depp? I mean, they all appear to need to work together on every movie like some sort of crazy haired tripod, so I just assume that if one of them broke away, the whole gothic dynamic would just kind of crumble.
4) How do people in musicals all know the same dance/song? I have been asking this question since I was a child. I think musicals, by default, have no credibility to their stories because there’s NO way all of them can know the same routine without some sort of previous rehearsal. As a clearly already jaded youth, I used to ask my parents, “how does everyone in the town know the same dance? Is there some type of weekly musical dance rehearsal in the town square? I think not. IT’S NOT POSSIBLE”
5) The whole laughing-into-crying-transition-while-sinking-down-the-wall maneuver that girls do in movies, generally while reading something sentimental. Why. No further description necessary.
6) My personal favorite and oft-discussed topic: why is there always rain in a dramatic romantic fight? I feel like a romantic argument (“You bet on/insulted/can’t commit to our relationship?” “You don’t understand that thing-I’m-not-telling-you-that-I-hope-you-figure-out-on-your-own?!” “You don’t get me?!”) automatically increases the amount of precipitation in the air. It sends out a weather forecast of torrential downpour within a week, because several days (and 15 movie minutes) after said argument, the couple will eventually reunite after running several blocks to meet each other. The water will wash away their past transgressions and previous opinions. Uplifting and romantic (but still sentimental) music plays in the background, as the guy lifts the girl off the ground and they twirl in the rain, laughing. Literally, only in the movies. Who had this idea? Why does this happen?
7) Why does no one stop the usually-young-blond-hot girl from entering the dark cabin on her own in horror films? I mean really, who thinks yes, this is a good idea. Let’s have our friend disappear alone into this cabin without some sort of buddy system or cell phone in place. It’s not like where we currently are in this abandoned forest/abandoned home/abandoned road is unbelievably terrifying. Let’s send her in on her own. I’m sure she’ll be fine.
8) How many Final Destination movies can there be? Have we not reached our final destination yet?! Is it even remotely in sight? Can I please have a map.
Someone, help me. Please. I just want to know.