Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Awkward Times of MRH

Something interesting happens when people graduate. They start blogging. I don’t know what it is, but I swear to God, everyone I know was handed a diploma and an automatic license to upload their thoughts onto the internet on that warm day of celebration in May. Some people I know have truly great blogs. They talk about cooking, their adventures in their new jobs, religion, funny stories, or their travels abroad. Other people I know have blogs about hair scrunchies, Starbucks, ballerina buns, and their general awesomeness at life. Not my go-to for blog content, but to each their own. (Also, I will click away in an angry rage from your blog if you have ‘xoxo’ at the end of it).

I’m not sure how I feel about blogging. I love reading other people’s blogs (Chelsea Fagan of Thought Catalog fame needs to write a book RIGHT NOW), but I feel like writing my own blog is a little vain. OH HEY HOW AWESOME ARE MY THOUGHTS HERE THEY ARE YOU SHOULD READ THEM NOW I HOPE THIS BECOMES THE NEXT BIG THING WHERE IS MY MOVIE DEAL. But while I don’t think my thoughts are that awesome, I do know that I have some good stories. One of my few talents in life (is it a talent? Not really) is to attract crazy people. Not full on it-rubs-the-lotion-on-its-skin crazy, but just odd enough that you’re tempted to move your suitcase several feet away from them in an airport. I think it’s a genetic trait. I have it, my mom has it, and my grandma had it. Although, to be honest, my grandma eventually became one of those crazy people, sooooo yeah.

I don’t think I have a face that ‘makes people want to tell me things”, but I clearly emit a pheromone that makes people want to open up about personal experiences that I was not prepared to hear about. Some examples include:

1)        A guy who overcame the unspoken barrier of a vacant airplane middle seat to rip off his gym shoe and show me his gangrenous foot. When all I said was “do you mind if I put my purse here”.
2)        The woman next to me in line at the checkout line of the grocery store who noted I was holding a box of chocolate chip cookies, and then responded to this by telling me the (unbelievably) graphic description of her granddaughter's birth. I can't look at chocolate chip cookies anymore without an eye twitch.
3)        A girl I worked with constantly discussed how she put on elaborate plays for her cats. Like, with costumes, sets, and story lines. it only became extremely awkward once she asked me to attend.
4)        The guy waiting in line behind me at a bar who was wearing a large skull belt buckle made completely of rhinestones. He told me about his stalker in Virginia, but also reminding me that “he’s the type of girl who likes when a guy buys him dinner and drinks first”. A friend of a friend of a friend out with us that same night then repeatedly told me (even though I did not argue with, question, or engage her statement) that she was a legal dwarf, and I had BETTER believe her. Or else.
I attract crazy. I commit a substantial amount of awkward throughout my day. I can’t promise to give anything in this blog that you will find useful, or deep, or important. But I don’t know, I think sometimes a funny story can change someone’s day. And if nothing else, you can point and laugh.

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