Friday, June 15, 2012


The 21st century is all about instant connection. Phone calls, texting, AIM, Twitter, G-Chat, Skype, email, and Facebook: they're all ways to talk to your BFF ASAP. The best invention to me (of all these possible communication pathways) is that of the Facebook Status. It provides instantaneous mind-reading powers. What’s that, subtle and ever-present Facebook genie? You want to know what’s on my mind? Oh, I’ll tell you. And then I’ll post it. And then all 494 of my friends (and the 50 of them who I actually maintain any sort of contact with) will know EXACTLY how I’m feeling. Right. Now.

Facebook statuses are the world’s greatest sense of entertainment. (Did I just say the world? Yeah. Let’s make it dramatic). There’s no filter, no wrong answers, no guidelines. Literally, whatever you want to post (except for maybe a racist hate crime-esque post that will likely make me hate you/be flagged and reported) is fair game. And that is why people should be putting on their comfy sweatpants and making some popcorn before sitting down to waste 3+ hours of their lives (daily) on Facebook. Because the options for entertainment are endless.

Let us review some genres of Facebook stati. First and foremost (and my personal favorite): those of the sad, angsty nature. (If this type of status doesn’t ring a bell, please see anything and everything that I posted on FB as a high schooler/freshman in college). Mostly they involve song lyrics, or a thinly veiled message of sadness and hatred that is pretty much directed towards one person, but somehow finds its way onto the World Wide Web. Is there any better feeling than posting something sad on FB (perhaps some Fray/Lifehouse/Kelly Clarkson lyrics that say exactly how I’m feeling), and just knowing that THAT person who has caused me such grief is going to read it and be like YES. THIS IS ABOUT ME. OH NO, I AM THE WORST PERSON EVER. WHAT HAVE I DONE. No. There is no better feeling. (Does the angry status approach ever even work? Discuss). I think a more honest approach towards writing the sad/angsty status is just to write: I AM SAD AND UPSET AND AM POSTING THIS ON FACEBOOK AS A WAY TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS WITHOUT REALLY TALKING ABOUT MY PROBLEMS….AND I’M ALSO BASING THE FUTURE OF MY SELF ESTEEM OFF OF THE AMOUNT OF LIKES/COMMENTS I GET ON THIS STATUS, FYI.

Another stati type: bragging about one’s awesomeness, be it flat-out (“I JUST GOT A PROMOTION FOR BEING THE WORLD’S BEST HUMAN BEING”) or subtle (“Me and the Boyfriend dining on top of the Eiffel Tower while being serenaded by Michael Buble” captioned on top of a picture of two gorgeous model-y people). Or, as a personal favorite, I once witnessed a girl complain via FB that she had to return certain clothes/shoes because she was “too delicate and small” for them. Yeah? A third status type, and one that I am guilty of WAY too often: writing about an event that happened to you that you feel needs to be shared, but the world likely could have done without.(Actually, that describes this blog. Awkward).

Without FB statuses, I would be forced to directly communicate with others. I would have to tell them why they upset me, why I’m excited, or in general, what happened in my day-to-day. The idea of such a thing is ridiculous. I’d much rather compose a carefully-worded-yet-still-somewhat-vague-masterpiece of 160 characters and hope for the best.

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