Sunday, June 24, 2012


After a woman has been jilted, she slips into her sweatpants, cradles a half gallon of ice cream (CHUNKY MONKEY JUST GETS ME, OKAY?!?!?!?), and declares to any and all who will listen: "screw it. I'm getting a cat!!!". It's an age old tale. I mean, I've flirted (and by flirted, I mean seriously discussed and maybe planned a marriage with) the idea of maybe one day being a cat lady. Or a dog, cat, tea-cup pig, ferret, sloth, monkey, and iguana lady. Either way, my current relationship success rate is NOT powerful evidence that I'm going to be soul mate successful in the future. But why is cat-lady mode the go to? Like, the minute a guy cheats or doesn't call, why do girls decide: "Yes. I am going to continue to live my life and in my older age accumulate mass numbers of a 4-legged animal that will basically ignore me anyway AND use the bathroom in a box in my home. And then I'll never, ever be alone again!" I guess I could Google it and find out if there's some sort of urban legend/historical basis to the idea of becoming a cat lady....but I probably won't.

Okay, just kidding, I went to Wikipedia. According to the all-knowing online dictionary, a cat lady is a "single woman who owns cats...associated with the concept of spinsterhood". Or, the more recent adaptation says that cat ladies are "romance-challenged (often career-oriented) women who can't find a man". Oh, okay, good to know. (I won't even justify that ridiculousness with a response. But anyway). I just don't understand why my two choices for lifelong companions are either men or cats. Let us make a virtual Venn Diagram comparing and contrasting the similarities between overgrown boys and undergrown lions.

Contrasts: You can go out with men on official dates. (I guess you could go out with cats on dates too, but you might get some stares in an upscale restaurant). Men can tell you they love you with real human words. Men can drive cars and take pictures and dance (in theory) and plan proposals and bring you dinner and watch sunsets with you and ignore you via text message and lift weights and stare at other girls on the beach and toss you over their shoulders and engage in "physical activity" with you (I'm sure you're smart, figure out what that means on your own). Cats can fit in those awesome cubby holes that are a part of cat jungle gyms. Cats can twitch their tails and throw up hairballs and fit in outrageously small spots under the bed. Cats can get high off of catnip. Cats can drink water by curling their tongues backward.

Comparisons: You can cuddle with men and cats. Men and cats both urinate on things that make them angry. Men and cats can watch TV with you. Both like to lay uselessly in the sun, with the ultimate goal of tripping you. Both will mark their territory, if they care enough. Men and cats will alternately ignore you or rub against you, depending on what they want. Both will hiss at you when you try to throw them under some water for a little bit of hygiene. Both will eat large amounts of food that are left out in the open, regardless of who it is meant for. Both can make you feel better after a long day. Both can jump out of closets and scare the living daylights out of you. Technically, you can dress men and cats up if they'll sit still long enough/won't gouge your eyes out. Both are attracted to shiny objects. Both can make your heart melt and your eyes tear up.

I'm not asking for a knight in shining armor to come sweep me off my feet. I'd settle for a nicely dressed guy in tinfoil. Or maybe even a non-sociopath holding a Ziploc bag. I get that romantic comedies have ruined me forever (I would never admit that I wanted a dramatic reunion in the dramatic rain after a dramatic fight with a dramatic music soundtrack, but....). I just hope one day (preferably SOON) that that somebody shows up. Because I am getting impatient of waiting. I'm excited to go fall in love. I'm hopeful and nervous and ready for the future. I imagine I'm not the only one, girl or guy, who feels this way. I hope everyone finds their Cat/Man. But until all these possible suitors show up, and no matter how old I am IF they even do arrive, I refuse to ignore cats for the sake of men, and to renounce men in the name of cats. ;)

1 comment:

  1. This couldn't be more true! Unfortunately I fit 9/10 cat-man comparisons...collar with bell or no bell??

    Suggestion: tin foil = aluminum foil? Consider "Tin Man," although most men are lacking more in brains than heart.